Soooooo my buddies Khaleesi and Norton (you remember them!) are getting married dating, and it’s very exciting for those of us who Have No Life other than being handed poo on a regular basis, both figuratively and literally*.

They’ve only been romantically involved for five months, so normally it would be too soon to start the Wedding Pressure. But they were BFFs for like seven years before that, and the rule is if you were besties first then half that time gets added to the dating time and counts toward the socially acceptable time to start suggesting people get married**, which means it’s functionally more like 4 years dating, and Norton should pop the question already because he’s not getting any younger***

ALSO, it’s The Apocalypse, which means we could all use a little fun and happiness and excuses to drink……

……..and you KNOW we’re gonna get locked down again at some point, so Norton and Khaleesi should really get the ball rolling on a wedding plan NOW, that way they can spring into action as soon as our Lizard Overlords let us out to breathe for five minutes.

Fortunately, like 99% of all girls, Khaleesi has been planning her dream wedding since she was like FIVE and has most of the key ideas locked down. These include but are not limited to:

-a greenhouse

-snow

-New Years Eve

-a sexy dance

-about 500 bridesmaids.

Now, there are a few teensy problems here. Firstly, Norton does not have enough potential groomsmen to match her extravagant entourage. He could many rustle up 3 or 4, although I’ve been informed that the strongest contender has a wizardesque beard and a penchant for D&D, so that bodes well for theme planning. Secondly, a close relation of Norton’s, who is apparently (phrases this carefully in case said relation ever finds and reads blog and has access to gun) is struggling to accept the romance because Khaleesi is (as far as I can tell, third hand hearsay, have never personally met said relation and bear no personal ill-will) either a prude or a slut, and/or drinks too much, and is either too polite or too vulgar, and is definitely a gold digger.

The relation is coming around though, and now will allow Khaleesi inside the house to use the bathroom, and we’re pretty sure doesn’t actively hate her guts anymore. So ….. yay I guess? Maybe she WON’T actually spit in the champagne punch at the reception.

The gold digger part is the extra hilarious bit, because the next problem with Khaleesi’s Fantasy Fairytale Wedding is that nobody in the scenario has much cash to throw at it. Which is all the more reason to start planning NOW and come up with more cost effective substitutions. Luckily for Norton, Khaleesi is not spoiled or high maintenance in the least, and in fact she pointed out to me that if you tell them it’s your honeymoon at the Motel 6, they’ll give you a free bottle of (I’m sure quite excellent) wine. So her standards are not high…… but neither are they non-existent. I found out exactly where she draws the line in a recent message conversation:

That’s right! Little Miss Gold Digger is too fancy for an engagement ring from Walmart. There’s a red flag that just screams “get a prenup!”

Oh heck, click HERE for the whole conversation.

The point is, Norton, buddy, you’ve got a keeper here****. Time to take one hand off your walker, lower yourself gingerly to one knee, and offer to make an honest woman of her. Just not, for the love of Tyrion Lannister, with a Walmart ring.

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*Yes. Originally this post was gonna be about POO.

**What? No I did not just make that up! Why would you think such a thing?

***I’m not giving his exact age, and not just because I can’t count that high. He’s a little older than Khaleesi. Not more mature, you understand, but older.

****or, in the full-blown Aussie I once toyed tipsily with nagging you in: “she’s a beaut Sheila, mate!”