So here we are, it’s the end of the world, and I feel fine. Well, I feel fine after a couple of rum based cocktails, before that I mostly feel stressed and really, really tired.
Y’all know the drill by now. And if you don’t, welcome to Leonard’s corner of the Internet, where we feebly try to amuse you approximately twice a year. What has kept me yet another seven months from my witty little lifestyle blog?* (Sighs heavily, rolls eyes, pours a drink). Oh you know. The usual. Financial crap blah blah legal crap …….SIP………blah blah blah business troubles blah five million children blahitty-blah blah …… and oh yes, the freaking apocalypse. Economic apocalypse, if nothing else, and that is ALL I shall say upon the matter because this is not a political blog, it is a lifestyle/humor/drinking/unicorn blog, and also I’m fed up with it (the apocalypse, not the blog).
Apparently there are some people almost enjoying the quarantine, they have lots of free time, and are learning new things like Peruvian cooking and needlepoint and yodeling. They’re binge watching tv and doing art and deep cleaning their attics. AND BLOGGING.
These people are presumably not facing looming financial doom, and also do not have a three year old like a hurricane on acid and a one year old who has just started toddling and CLIMBING THINGS. Over here in Leonard’s World, things are a little more chaotic.
You know what sounds just super appealing right now? You know that classic Simpsons episode where Marge leads a campaign to end the mindless violence on Itchy and Scratchy, so then it gets censored and they’re left with Itchy and Scratchy in “Porch Pals”, where all they do is sit on the porch and drink lemonade and chill tf out?
Yeah. That. That’s my new life goal. My life is like The Itchy and Scratchy Show; insane and stressful shit keeps happening, and ALMOST killing me but not quite, but I’m also pretty sure not actually making me stronger, eye roll, and I’d like it to just stop and let me just chill on the porch with some lemonade.
But until then there’s RUM (yes, this post is still about rum based beverages, keep UP, people), and so we will share our new 3 ingredient cocktail recipe. Yes, I know Leonard has been famous** for TWO ingredient cocktails, but that just got too limiting after a while. I figure as long as the RATIOS are easy, we should be fine. After all, that’s how I remember how to make a margarita***
Context: The Hair turned 25 right before everything got shut down, and had a few friends over for pizza and booze and wacky Sci-fi. He enjoys rum, and not just because he looks like a pirate; but he’s twenty-five now and out of college, so it’s time to graduate from just sticking it in Coke.
So I figured with the looming apocalypse (remember, this was PRE-shutdown and therefore it was all still mildly amusing) we should make some Zombies****, which I have made before when life was simpler, so I looked up the recipe again and ….no. WAAAAAY too complicated. You know how Leonard and I feel about overly complicated cocktail recipes. Which meant it was time to invent an extremely simplified version that you could remember how to make even when you’re two zombies down. So here, I present to you; the BRAIN-DEAD ZOMBIE ……
1 part apricot liqueur
2 parts rum
3 parts orange juice
Mix. Add ice. Drink. Repeat. Possibly sing some sea shanties.
See? Easy as 1, 2, 3. And like ALL of Leonard’s cocktails, endlessly adaptable to whatever you have on hand.
1 part any fruit liqueur
2 parts any kind of rum
3 parts any kind of juice*****
*yeah, let’s call it that.
**among the three people who read this blog
***1 part tequila, 1 part triple sec, 1 part fresh lime juice. And I feel I should explain to my middle-school stepsons now doing their math lessons at home that it is vitally important that they master ratios, otherwise they won’t be able to mix cocktails. I feel like that’s the kind of life skill motivation those little degenerates* could really get behind.
****the cocktail, obviously. We’re not stupid enough to create some deadly virus in a lab for shits and giggles. That sounds like it could backfire.
*****except tomato juice. Obviously
*don’t get me wrong, I love my little degenerates. I have nothing against degenerates. Have you MET Leonard? Wait, why am I even footnoting this? Anyone likely to take issue with me referring to a couple of middle school boys as degenerates definitely shouldn’t be reading this blog and furthermore, have obviously never met a 12 year old boy.