Because Vomiting Unicorns Beat Incompetent Home Help, Every Time.

……Well, not literally of course. Although my friend “The Mum”* might wish they did.

The Mum lives in another country, with a halfway decent health system; where if you’re on disability and jump through enough hoops (metaphorically) and wait long enough (like a year and a half, literally), they might provide someone to come and help you clean your house and generally function and what not. Unfortunately the “helper” The Mum got did “helpful” things like throwing out her prescription medication, which obviously is not helpful at all, because if somebody needs Valium, it’s kind of counter-productive to make them rummage in the trash for it.

The Mum and I let out our Inner Bitch™️ about this, because that’s what we do. So I WAS just going to blog about that, but then my friend Norton messaged me the other day, with an article about a unicorn that pukes champagne and how that made him think of me (sweet!) and that totally took over.

Pffffff. Please, I told him, Leonard can hold HIS liquor.** But obviously I read the article anyway because CHAMPAGNE PUKING UNICORN plus since Norton took the time to send it while presumably bored and/or drunk at work, it’s only polite.

Oh my my my. So this Unicorn is in a restaurant bar named “Journey”, in West London, and from the description it sounds so hip and pretentious that I strongly suspect they are doing it ironically. “……you’ll be taken on a two-hour immersive travel experience complete with four courses and four paired drinks. it says. O…….kay.

Each dish will be served with a story, explaining the connection to the journey. But, needless to say, the journey wouldn’t be complete without the puking unicorn, which dispenses champagne upon being stroked.

I am NOT making this up. Click here if you suspect I am.

Translation: anyone with a modicum of self awareness will be completely overcome with the cognitive dissonance of trying to take themselves seriously in the middle of all this, and also very tipsy from the “paired drinks” that go with four courses of about four bites each (but don’t worry, there’s stories to fill up on!). In this state they will eagerly drink copious quantities of champagne which I’m sure costs MORE when it’s regurgitated by a UNICORN.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I’d totally eat there. And drink Unicorn Puke Champagne. It would be hilarious.

Wow. Who are the Evil Marketing Geniuses behind this insanity?

“………It comes from Lollipop, the team behind The Bunyadi (London’s naked restaurant)


Longer pause.

Naked. Restaurant.

Again…… o…….kay………

At this point I’m wondering just HOW bored and/or drunk Norton is, but I’m also irrepressibly curious so I googled “The Bunyadi” and yep….. Naked Restaurant. That ……that about sums it up. Naked Restaurant. Everyone’s …….naked.

Well that just sounds unsanitary.

SOOOOOO, back to the puking unicorn, because there are limits to even Leonard’s degeneracy.

The Puking Unicorn looks a lot LIKE Leonard, actually. Except with a dissipated smirk and a glittery pink mane. She strikes me as the basic bitch of unicorns, all Ugg boots and Starbucks lattes when she’s down off the wall. Please, Norton. Comparing Becky the Basic Bitch Unicorn*** to Leonard is like comparing E.L. James to Ernest Hemingway.

But I told Norton I thought I could get a blog post out of it, because we know that’s what he was trolling for, and he suggested a US vs UK Unicorns sort of thing, with the American Leonard emerging victorious, of course (I believe his exact phrase was “BUFF like an alcohol dragon”), and then he awkwardly tried to swear in British which was adorable because he only knows about 2 British naughty words but he clearly wanted to do better. So just for you Norton, here: a handy reference to expand your colorful vocabulary.

Well, THIS blog post kind of got away from me. AND has so far taken me two weeks to write this much, because The Kicker is a Toddler Tornado and that’s a whole OTHER blog post.

Anyway. At the risk of disappointing Norton****, I’m disinclined to get into a transatlantic unicorn showdown, I have no cause to throw shade at the British (naked restaurant notwithstanding). I will, however leave you with with this little gem, to marvel at and/or poke fun at the British for. I give you; The Giant “Sexy” Jeff Goldblum Statue.


*No, she does not have more children than me. Very few people do in this day and culture; except for wacky outliers like the Duggars, who I am starting to suspect are actually highly realistic robots manufactured in Japan. And The Mum is also not to be confused with MY Mum, who doesn’t even have an Inner Bitch™️, or if she does keeps her on a very short leash.

**literally. Because he’s a bottle holder.

***totally her name now.

****who is completely welcome to get his own unicorn-themed blog to spout nonsense on. I for one would read it. Aw heck, next time he messages me I’m inclined to just screenshot and throw it up as a guest post ………

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