So last year I blogged about how George R R Martin was torturing his fans by making them wait a whole extra year for the final season of Game of Thrones.

You can catch up here if you missed it, go ahead, I’ll wait.

Back? Good. My friend Khaleesi was upset about that, and you can tell she’s a major GoT fan by the fact that I’m just going ahead and calling her Khaleesi on the blog, and also by the extreme number of pictures she posts on Facebook, of Kit Harington smoldering at the camera. She’s really, really, really, into it, and she even sucked our mutual friend Norton into watching it with her. Which means I guess I have to let go of my whole “GoT is like a bad boyfriend” analogy because it just gets too kinky.

I’m sorry Norton, I tried to save you.

Anyway the long awaited final season finally aired. I didn’t watch it of course, for reasons outlined in last year’s post. I watched the show only briefly, years ago. Just long enough to enjoy The Ex’s horrified reaction to The Red Wedding.* However, what I gather from all of the Internet is that the majority of the fans are disappointed – to put it mildly – with how the show ends.

Now, I DON’T CARE. I don’t care HOW it ends. All I cared was that it was over. The whole fiasco cultural phenomenon was finally, blessedly, thankfully OVER. No more rabid GoT fans slobbering their obsession all over social media and never cleaning up after themselves. Goodbye George, forever. Interest will slowly wane until you grab another 15 minutes by claiming Tyrion was gay all along.

Except it’s not over. They are doing a prequel. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Now, I’m a responsible writer who strives for accuracy** so I figured I should do my due diligence and talk to some actual fans, namely, Khaleesi and Norton because I think they’re the only GoT watchers I know.

Well.

Khaleesi wasted no time in expressing how she felt. She messaged me back twelve times before I could get a word in edgewise. There were rants in ALL CAPS and long lines of eye-roll emojis. Some choice quotes:

“The directors should be flayed by whatever Boltons are still alive”

“Cheetahs go from 0-60 mph slower than Dany went mad!”

Along with a great deal of raging plot analysis that meant nothing to me but that she was clearly, in her own words, “still salty about”

Norton did not weigh in immediately, which I chalked up to him being so traumatized by the whole thing that he couldn’t stop crying in the corner, curled into a fetal position and clutching a bottle of absinthe. Later, however, he joined Khaleesi’s apoplectic rant the conversation (claimed he was adulting before, pfff whatever Norton), and after warming up with a few gifs, let fly with his own salty critique. Slightly less salty than Khaleesi’s, probably because he is older and mellower and less in love with Kit Harington.

At that point I just silenced my phone and put it down on the kitchen counter, and let them have at it. When I came back to check (after the movie I was watching), they’d poked holes in the major plot lines, rewritten some major developments, but also – and this is key – agreed they would both watch the upcoming prequel.

With the “passion of a thousand imploding suns”, says Norton. Khaleesi said she was “remaining hopeful” but would be doing multiple tequila shots at a bar if they ruin it.***

Aaaaand…… kinky or not I’m going back to the bad boyfriend analogy because really, people? He hurt you. He was crazy late and then he was a dick and it’s not even like he apologized; as far as I can tell George is giving his disgruntled GoT lovers the middle finger, verbally anyway, because both his porky little hands are clutching his huge wads of cash.

And this is not an anomaly. This is his MO. He has a history of disappointing fans.

I’m not one to say I told you so – actually that’s a lie, I AM one to say I told you so. I’m saying it now and I’ll say it again when we’re at a bar doing tequila shots because he smacked you around again. And what’s more is I’m going to set an example here, children, and you’d do well to follow it. Because not only is a prequel coming, and various other GoT projects in the works, George is also swearing he’s going to finally finish writing the books. And the ending might be different.

To which I roll my eyes and say, don’t make me laugh George. I’m middle aged and if I laugh that hard I might strain something. I’ll believe it when I see it, but I’m still not going to READ it, because I’ve learned my lesson, unlike some people.

I mean really …. the guy strings you along and lets you down again and again and then shows up almost a DECADE after he walked out and he’s all like “Hey Babe I’m back ya wanna read another thousand page book about sex and feasts and sex at feasts and I’ll probably kill Tyrion ’cause you know me, kinda get off on inflicting pain. Just kidding! …or AM I??? Ha ha!!”

That’s a hard pass, George. I’ve moved on. I have other authors, George. I have Chuck Wendig, who is like the beautiful ranting love child of Stephen King and Terry Pratchett. I don’t need you, George.

And neither do you, Khaleesi & Norton. Get out NOW, while there’s a lull in the drama.

No? Sigh. I’ll just go stock up on tequila.

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*Yes, Yes, I’m kind of a bitch, we’ve established that. FOCUS, people.

** lol

***Oh Honey just come do shots here with Leonard. It’s way cheaper and we’re both broke.