That’s it, I’m officially an Old Fogey who has begun to declare that the world is going to Hell in a hand-basket*. Forty-five years old (wait…..45? 46? No, 45) and that’s it, I’m throwing up my hands and despairing of life on Earth, and the sooner Elon Musk colonizes Mars the better.
What could possibly have made me finally lose all hope? After all, I’m old, I’ve seen some shit. I remember bell bottoms and the Cold War and when “Fergie” meant the Duchess of York. In all these decades of political upheaval and cultural decline, I’ve maintained my sunny disposition** and laughed gaily*** while sipping my Sauvignon Blanc. What could possibly have pushed me over the edge NOW? Is it the increasing vicious political rhetoric of our times? The deep seated corruption rampant in the system? The 573 new genders? (Is a boy? A girl? No, it’s a demi-glazed half elf tri-color loaf of bread….)
I’ll tell you what it is. It’s the dancing.
I know what you’re thinking. How can this be? After all, I’m old, and I’ve seen some shit. I remember disco and break dancing and, God help us, the Macarena. What could possibly be so bad that…..let me stop you right there.
No, no, not the dental hygiene practice. The dance move****
So The Kids These Days are doing a new move called “flossing”, and it is without a doubt the single most idiotic dance I have ever seen. And again, remember I’ve lived through the Macarena …….and Gangnam Style. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, click HERE; but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And I would just ignore it like I’m ignoring politics and the Kardashians and 80% of the laundry, but I can’t. Because I have The Sport, my 11 year old step son. The Sport is what I call a “full-body fidgeter”. He does not stand still. Until recently his default movement of choice was miming dribbling a basketball and shooting hoops. Now……now it’s flossing. He’ll be just standing there, in the kitchen, talking to me about something completely normal, while doing that annoyingly stupid little dance move. Constantly.
I blame the public schools.
I promised Khaleesi she could be in this post, because dancing is kind of her (other) thing. She wowed us all on New Years Eve with a little impromptu Bachata in the living room. She’s good. So I asked her if she’d heard of flossing (because at the age of 23 she is no longer a “kid”, but IS a Young Person These Days). She demonstrated it briefly and it didn’t look quite so stupid when she did it, but probably because I’m pretty sure she did it ironically. This silly little thing? Is what the expression on her face seemed to say. I know, ridiculous, isn’t it?? She might have tossed her long blonde hair at that point*****
Anyway, the crotchety old-person point I am making is this: Kids, stop flossing. Just stop it. You look like morons. And while you’re at it, turn off that damn rap music, pull up your pants, and get off my lawn.
*What does that even mean? I started to look it up but honestly it was boooooring. No comedians or vodka at ALL.
**No, that’s not an earthquake. That’s the Earth shuddering on its axis as a result of every single person who’s ever met me, epically rolling their eyes at the idea of me being described as having a “sunny disposition”. Ok fine. My disposition is more “Bitchy Eeyore” than “sunny”, but I’m making a point here, People. It’s called artistic license. Just roll with it.
***I also remember when this meant “in a merry carefree manner”. Because I’m OLD.
****if we want to call it that.