…… and people who do, SUCK.

I have a sweet friend going through some Epic and Long-Standing Life Crap**. Honestly, I don’t know how the girl is still standing and (mostly) sane.  I heard today that not only is the Life Crap as Epic as ever, but she’s ALSO signed up for a weight loss trial that has put her standard coping strategies of food and alcohol off limits.

Damn.

I mean on the one hand;  You go girl!

On the other;  DAMN.

And I would LOVE to send her something uplifting and supportive, but it’s hard because those have always been MY coping mechanisms too, along with a few others that I would be a very very Bad Friend to suggest as replacements.

So I don’t have words of wisdom to encourage her at this difficult time. What I have is what I always have: a Drunken Unicorn and higher than average levels of snark.

Which brings me back to my opening premise: people who have and suggest healthy*** coping mechanisms just suck.  You know the kind.  The kind who deal with stress by going on a bloody five mile run and then drinking a kale smoothie.

I hate those people.   Ooh! But excercise releases endorphins and you’ll feel so much better and more energized!!  No, excercise releases TIREDNESS and I’ll feel like eating a whole cheesecake and binge-watching Criminal Minds.  Preferably some episodes where people get murdered while out running.

And the dietary health nuts.  Can’t eat any of the usual things that get you through the trauma?****  When I need a yummy pick-me-up, I spread some almond butter on a stick of celery!  Mmmmm delish!!

Die, Freak, Die.

And if I’m craving a cocktail, I just mix some seltzer water with a little organic peach juice, and drop in a cucumber slice!  You won’t even notice the difference!

I’m pretty sure I will.  And so will you when I drown you in a barrel of whiskey.

Find a hobby that brings you joy!

Listen you perky dipshit, I HAVE hobbies.  I just don’t have TIME for them what with all the Life Crap.  It’s nice that your problems are small enough that they leave you ample time for macrame or oil painting or yak breeding or, god forbid, yoga; but are you TRYING to push me from depressed to suicidal?

Have you tried meditation?

(long pause)  Are you fucking serious?

So yeah….no wise advice for my sweet friend.  Just love, and a hearty “hang in there, girl” from me and Leonard.  And an assurance that it WILL get better.  I mean…I don’t know how much better, or WHEN, but it will*****.  Heck, I’ve gotten to the place where watching horror movies with The Canadian is a more than adequate coping mechanism.  That’s some serious progress from a year ago.

In the meantime, do what you’re doing.  Reach out to friends, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You’re gonna be fine.

Leonard’s got your back.

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*although to be fair, it’s hard to imagine what else Leonard COULD have as a coping mechanism.  He’s a bottle holder. It’s pretty much all he can do.

**actually I have more than one friend like that, and they ALL deserve their very own Leonard.

***”healthy” being a relative term here.  Something might be physically healthy but still bad for you emotionally, if you use it as a distraction to avoid actually dealing with your issues. And……Leonard is looking at me balefully and telepathically begging me not to turn this into a psychotherapy blog.

****. There’s a reason these foods help. It’s hard to believe ALL hope is lost, as long as there’s bacon.

*****or, you know, the sweet release of death.