Because Facebook is freaking us out.

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A lot has changed for Leonard the Alcoholic Unicorn over the last six months.

He’s moved into a new house with me, in the wake of my divorce.*

He’s moved into a new bar in the new house, and taken up drinking sake.

And he’s taken over pretty much all my drinking, since I’m currently enjoying** a surprise mid-life pregnancy.***

Obviously a lot has changed for me too – including setting up a whole new Facebook profile to instantly cull all the people who have unfriended me in real life, but for some reason not on Facebook (Why?  Laziness?  Spying for The Ex? Spying for the NSA? Think I’m the Whore of Satan but just can’t live without my cutting digital repartee?  Enquiring minds want to know!  Oh wait. No they don’t. Enquiring minds actually don’t give a gnat’s testical)

So my collection of Facebook friends is a lot more …..streamlined ……than it used to be, which is fine with ME but of course has Facebook in an absolute tizzy. “Friends” are to Facebook as cookies are to Cookie Monster. You can never have too many, even when you know they’re bad for you.  So my newsfeed is CONSTANTLY suggesting People I Might Know. Which is where it gets weird.

Some of those suggestions I understand. Friends of friends and whatnot. Frequently in the category of “Yes I know them and there’s a reason I haven’t friended them. Shut up, Facebook”. But some of them are in the more disturbing category of “Yes I know them but how the hell did YOU know I know them, Facebook?”

We’re talking people I have NO mutual friends with…… my son’s PE teacher from five years ago. A former tenant. My crazy-ass neighbor.  How? What? Friends of friends of friends? Some social media version of Six Degrees of Separation?  If so, how come Facebook never suggests Kevin Bacon?  Do I even want to know? Probably not, if I want any chance of saving Leonard’s liver.

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*no, that’s not a topic for a frivolous blog such as this, although  I may at some point rant cathartically about it on an entirely separate blog.  One with naughty words and a warning label, but probably just as much drinking.

**yeah, that’s the word I’m going with.

***obviously all of this means that the WLD cast of characters will henceforth be referred to a little differently. “Hubby” is now “the Ex”, My kids will continue to be “The Hair”, “The Voice”, “The Drama”, and “The Kitten”.  New baby (due in about 6 weeks) is “The Kicker” (see what I did there?  Think about it. It’s funny. Really), and The Kicker’s daddy, when he makes a blog appearance (which he likely will at some point, because he’s hilarious and also keeps stealing Leonard’s sake) will be known as “The Canadian”.

 

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