So The Canadian and I took the munchkins (that would be The Kitten, plus my two adorable step-sons*) to see Spider-Man: Homecoming.  It had excellent reviews.

Now look – I can get over this being the second major motion picture Spider-Man reboot; I admit, I had trouble with the first reboot **, but eventually accepted that I am old and this is how it goes.  And I can accept that Spidey has a crush on some chick called Liz (MJ, where are you??? Oh, there you are.  Wait, THAT’S MJ???  Pfff.  Whatever).  And I can even accept that Marisa Tomei is a totally milfy Aunt May. It’s weird and wrong but ok, this is how the Marvel Universe is now, go with it.  All of that I can deal with and move on, because Tom Holland’s Spider-Man was so adorably geeky and adolescent in Captain America: Civil War, and plus, Homecoming had excellent reviews.

You know what I can’t apparently get past?  Being a freaking grown-up.  Turns out geeky and adolescent doesn’t cut it for more than a cameo when you’re way over 40 with kids the age of the hero (I’m looking at you, The Drama.  Heaven help us the day YOU get your hands on a supersuit).  For my money, best scene in the whole movie was when Tony Stark took away the Spider-Man suit, because Peter had been irresponsible with it. That was some quality parenting right there. I can’t have been the only middle-aged mom in the audience silently hissing YESSSS ……..

Seriously, I spent half the movie wanting to give Peter Parker a good lecture and send him to his room.  Listen to Mr Stark, Peter.  The grown-ups have good reasons for the rules.  Oh look there you go, thinking you know better than Iron Man who’s been doing this superhero gig since you were in DIAPERS, and what do you know, you’re messing up royally.

Or “screwing the pooch”, which is apparently the official Stark Industries terminology.

All of this could have been avoided, Peter, if you had just done as you were told.  Yes, it’s nice you saved your little girlfriend in the elevator, but she wouldn’t have been in peril in the first place if you and your little friend Ned hadn’t been carrying around alien tech in your backpacks.  Your backpacks, Peter!  Alien tech that you had NO understanding of!  For heavens sake Peter, both of you should know better than that, you’re smart kids.  When, I guess being on the Academic Decathlon team doesn’t mean you have any common sense.  You are GROUNDED, young man.

That wouldn’t have been a WHOLE different kind of movie.  “Lecture-Mom; Homecoming …..and homestaying because you’re grounded”

That’s right, lecturing is my superpower*** and The Drama will confirm this, he has learned to fear it over all other punishments.  Excuse me, Leonard and I have a supersuit to design………

Lecture-Mom!

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*yes, I have two adorable step-sons and they will get their own quirky monikers just as soon as I come up with good ones…..there’s a blog post formenting there….

**but….but ….they JUST made a big Spider-Man movie! With Tobey McGuire and Kirsten Dunst and James Franco!  Like….just a couple years ago!  How are they rebooting it already?  I don’t understand.

***as well as snark